We are told to forgive. Teachers, counselors, pastors, parents – all those people who guide us through life teach us about forgiveness. Truthfully, being able to forgive really does help us to move on and move forward with our lives, but what if we try to do it when we aren’t ready, or in such a way that it re-traumatizes us?
I was privileged to learn from Pastor Christine Hung a few weeks ago. She came to our church and taught about Trauma-Informed Ministry. It was refreshing to hear her speak to the fact that when we don’t “read the room” we are at risk of re-traumatizing those who need healing the most (I’m paraphrasing, I hope she’ll understand).
Ephesians 4:32 tells us, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Sometimes I think these verses have been weaponized a little. Those of us who have suffered abuse have been told our whole lives that we must forgive our abuser in order to be able to heal. This really is a little backwards. In order to be able to forgive our abuser, we MUST heal first. We must be given tools to work through trauma and move forward into the life God wants for us before we can even begin to forgive the abuser.
Recently my husband and I were traveling and talking about how different trauma affects us. We both have dealt with issues resulting from our careers in law enforcement and have been able to move into retirement and live a fulfilling life. We are blessed beyond measure to have each other and our family, and refuse to take it for granted. Interestingly, we also both have childhood trauma that has since cropped up in different ways.
As we talked, I said, “I have no need or obligation to reconcile with my abuser.” It kinda stopped my husband in his tracks. He asked me to repeat it, and to write it down. “That’s important,” he said. “That is so liberating, because it allows me to move forward without the fear of retribution.”
We preach all the time of grace; we bring people in and teach them about Jesus and how much He loves them, and then we proceed to lecture them about the things they should be doing. When we fail to allow the Holy Spirit to do that part, we are teaching that grace is limited only to those whose behavior is “correct.” you see, before he wrote Ephesians 4, Paul wrote, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” Eph 2:8-9
I’m finally going to get to my point – I know, it took a minute. Nobody on this earth has the right to tell you that you need to reconcile with or forgive your abuser. You do not have the obligation to re-expose yourself to abuse or trauma, and Jesus isn’t going to revoke your forgiveness because you haven’t been able to heal from that. You do not have an obligation to make other people comfortable by sitting next to a creepy uncle at a funeral or allowing your abusive sibling to babysit your children. If you reach the point (as I have) that you can quietly, privately in your heart (you don’t have to say it to their face) forgive the one who traumatized you, I know you will enjoy more peace.
It’s not a requirement for Heaven.
Love, Elizabeth
Leave a Reply